I sit in church and I hear the words, “God is faithful”. And my response is, “meh”. Some times it is hard to believe that he is a faithful God. The words just pass right by me like a stranger would on the road.
You see, sometimes, I don’t believe…. After all that I’ve been through this year, which part of this God is faithful? Which part of this God will come through?
Some times, all that exudes out of me is total negativity as I haven’t seen how God has made any effort to block the hurt that came my way or dull the pain that I feel.
The manager at work is evil. Pure evil. Get this, she’s a Christian who openly declares her hate for people. Odd. But that’s her struggle and I don’t judge her for it. I say she’s evil because of her actions, which I will not expound on.
My ex, who said he loved me so much, cheated on my with 4 other girls. The surprise was that two of them were people I called “friend”. Moreover, all these lovelies (the ex and the 2 friends) are Christians. Did I mention that he told one of them that he was not in a relationship with me but that we were only friends? Yes, sah. Where was God during all this drama? The painful part of it was that I did my best and tried to be understanding during the relationship. Well, some times your best is not good enough.
Church, oddly enough, has been a strain. It is difficult to do something in church, give your best, but have some people say nothing but negative things about you. Oh well. So I gave that up. I am sure God was helping me there but it didn’t feel like it was enough.
During all this, my relationship with God suffered greatly. I stopped fasting, studying, and having serious conversations with God. Hence, I don’t believe some of his promises. I do know who he is and that is why I still serve him but I won’t lie and pretend as if I believe his every word. Why? Every time I tried to pull myself up from the rut, everytime I felt like I had the strength to overcome, I got hit with another problem from either my ex, work, or church. One after the other they kept coming. And this lasted, still going on, for over a year. Since November 2017.
And I’m just writing this to tell someone, that some times, it’s okay not to believe that God is faithful. It doesn’t automatically mean that you are an unbelievers. What it means is that you’re hurting, for whatever reason and that you don’t have it in you to fight anymore.
Some times I don’t believe…. But I always know that no matter what I believe, God is faithful and he is good. I hope you know it too, even if you don’t believe.